A letter to myself

Therapists have always asked me the question, “If you could write a letter to yourself as a child, what would it say?”. As many times as I have been asked this question, I never know how to answer it and it makes me uncomfortable. Once I find the answer, it is always different than previous answers. It makes me think that the answer to this question will always change as we get older because we learn and experience more which shapes and molds us into different people.

Instead of writing to someone who doesn’t exist anymore, I am going to write to my future self. Lets say 60.

Dear bad ass wild woman,

The first 31 years of your life were rough but you survived. I hope to find you well, strong yet soft, smiling with your soul, and in a place where you can wake up every morning, look over at your sweet husband, Patrick, and feel a sense of calm and security. Calmness these days are in split seconds and then the drowning anxiety floods my system all over again. I hope you have conquered the hypervigilence I have every day and are able to get through most days without being panic stricken and feeling hopeless.

I wonder what your life looks like and how you live. My imagination runs wild thinking about what you did once you could stop being traumatized and took back your power. When I envision your life, I see trees and a huge, beautiful garden next to a cabin. I see myself with long, golden hair tinged with silver, braided to one side. Tattoos speckle my thin body and the wind whisks my flowing clothes like they were dancing with the trees. My green eyes glistening in the sun as I tend to my garden. Off in the distance, I see Patrick through the window of his workshop as he bends and molds metal into amazing art pieces. Next to his shop is my studio which is mostly windows and the colors jump of my paintings as the sun creeps in. In this vision, I can feel the happiness that surrounds this place. I know I am loved and protected by anything or anyone that would try and hurt me. This is where I hope you lay your head at night, safe and warm next to your one true love.

As for the bad experiences, I hope you conquered them, put them in the past where they belong and have been able to have a life full of light instead of shadows and darkness. Finally pulling yourself out of the shit and taking care of yourself is what I hope you have done. I hope you have found your inner peace and when you wake up in the morning, you are happy to be alive. I hope that when you look into the mirror, you are grateful for all of your scars and wrinkles because you know they hold wisdom and confidence. Inside your meat suit, I hope you have healed your old bones and your psychological wounds that have plagued me for so long.

I hope you have found the hope that I am looking for now and have been for a long time. Standing strong in your being because you know that you have been through so much that should have killed you but you are still alive and breathing. I have been in survival mode for so long that I hope you have found a way to stop the cycle and rearranged your stars into someone you are proud to be. The hurt that weighs me down today, I hope you have let it fall off our shoulders, buried it deep into mother earth, and found a way to move on into your happiness.

Have you found your art yet? Are you that famous artist you always wanted to be? Have you shared your story with the world? Do you lie under the stars at night and think about all of the happy memories you have made since you regained your power? Do you feel like you are on top of your world finally? What does it feel like to not be running from yourself? Was it easy to except yourself after the life we have had?

What am I missing now? Is there something I can do now that will help that I am not seeing? If you could tell me one thing, what would that be?

I can’t wait to love you, to meet you, to climb out of this crevasse and into the light. I can see the light but it still just out of reach. Today, after 31 years of life, I am sending you love and all of the hope in the universe because I believe in us. I believe in our ability to change our stars and become that wonderful wild woman that I have always dreamed of being since I was a child.

You are worth it.

You are a beautiful being, inside and out.

You deserve love and light.

Love always,

your younger self

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