It was if I woke up out of a nightmare. The last decade of my life seems foggy, muffled, and truly dreadful. Trauma, heartbreak, pain, hopelessness are only a few words to describe how I feel about the last decade. Yes, I was functioning, awake, and getting by but I was barely getting by. I was surviving and I was definitely not living. I sit here today with eye boogers from the last decade. I am just beginning my transformation into the person I deserve to be and the person I truly am. For the last decade I have been lost in a sea of faces and other peoples thoughts. I was living as a morphed version of myself because I was listening to everyone around me and trying to be this person that wasn’t me. No one in my life has ever known what is best for me and yet, I tried to live and grow into this human they said I was but she was someone that I find despicable. A person that is shut down, doesn’t process emotions and experiences, covers up the pain with booze and drugs, accepts injustices and wrongs because she lacked courage to stand up for herself, and a person she didn’t recognize in the mirror.
I was set up to fail from a child because I never had the right information in order to grow into myself. So, this is my new journey. Finding who I am, understanding what the last decade really means to me, holding peace in my heart for longer than five minutes at a time, and most importantly, setting up my future in a way that I can be proud to call mine.
Since February, I have been working with a therapist who specializes in EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming. It around 90% effective and it has changed my whole life! Never did I think that I would ever sleep through the night again without waking up in a panic like I have since my attack when I was nineteen. The attack that would change my life forever.
A few weeks ago, we dove back into the darkness of that night and I couldn’t stay in that memory anymore. My therapist looked at me, smirked and told me that she believes that we were done with the attack trauma. It was as if the storm cloud that has been following me for a decade, dissipated. The clouds parted and the blue sky and the sunshine hit my face for the first time and it felt amazing. As if all of the heartache, the mental anguish, and the constant sorrow melted away like crayons in the sun. I felt as if I truly belonged on this earth for the first time. It was a moment that I will never forget and a moment that I am truly proud of because I didn’t give up and stepped through the shit and made it out to the other side, alive.
A few years ago, I found out at twenty eight years old that I had severe osteoporosis. For the last few years I have been going to the doctor to try and “get fixed”. I was also still in a deep depressive fog from the attack and not treating myself correctly and taking care of my body like I should have. At the end of last year, I lost my insurance and was unable to continue my treatment for my bones. Once I started talking with my therapist, she explained to me that not only could I probably get on disability for the Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I have suffered with but now with the osteoporosis at such a young age, I would have a better chance. We talked it through and at first I was fearful to walk down that road because I felt that it meant that I was loosing more of my life and not thinking about it as a time of healing and creation. Once I sorted it out in my head, I decided to ask for the help that I have been truly wanting for a long time.
Yesterday, I went to start the process of filing for disability. By the end of the hour, I realized that it wasn’t the way I wanted to go. Not only could it take up to three years to get it but once I do, it isn’t going to be worth it because I will be barely getting by financially. So I am going to cut my hours down at work a bit and get my insurance back and heal myself. I am going to stand up for the myself for the first time in my life because I fucking deserve it. I do find it very sad that people that need help have to jump through such crazy hoops in order to receive help they need in this county.
So, instead of walking back through my life in this writing, I am going to document my progress. I will keep my past for therapy and live in the now without the storm cloud hovering over me and the fog smothering my soul.
I am going to be my own personal advocate with schedules, vitamins, and lists to keep me on track. The best part of this whole thing is that I am changing already. Since the storm cloud went away, it has taken me a little while in order to settle into my new brain. I have had to cut people out of my life and the biggest one is my own mother. She is resistant to change and talking about the past and right now, I need people in my life that I can discuss things with because it helps me process. I understand that some people are not ready for certain things and that is fine but listening also goes a long way. Instead of understanding where I am at in my life and being proud of me for trying to better myself, she is vicious and turns everything around and by the end of the conversation, I feel defeated, angry, and extremely frustrated that the person that was just on the other end of the line, is my mother.
In therapy, I was reassured that letting her go for now while I heal and become who I am have always deserved to be, is the best thing. Her entire side of the family is all sick with mental illness, drug and alcohol addiction, and none of them will even consider that they are wrong in anyway. My whole life I have been blamed for things I had no control over and when I finally take the right steps in my life to figure myself out, I get ridiculed, harassed, and made to feel as if I am doing something wrong. I don’t want to be right or better than anyone because that is not who I am. I only want peace of mind in knowing that I am finally standing up for what I truly believe and know I deserve. There is nothing wrong with stepping back from people, even family members, when they are not rooting for you or they are intentionally trying to destroy parts of your life.
I have told my mother that I am done with her many times but my true self believes in the goodness of people. After a few weeks, I start to miss her, well miss the person I wish she was and I will break down and call her. Within a few weeks, I will feel comfortable opening up with her and she will turn it into something negative and I will write her off again. Then a few weeks later, I will miss her and the cycle continues….But this time, acknowledging this pattern in my life not only made me feel forgiving but it also gave me the courage to delete her number from my phone. Now, I have no way of contacting her and the relief of that action, pressing delete on my phone, was liberating.
Life is what you make of it and we are all here in this together. I have lost many people in my life because I was “too traumatized” and they couldn’t handle it. Many people in my life have walked out of it and I get it. I have been really hard to love and deal with but hopefully, some day when I find myself in my true nature, the people that I really miss and love, will come back into my life. Until then, I am worrying about myself and what I need to do.
I am worth as much as anyone.
I want to see what I am really made of in this life.