In life, there are times when we all hit a figurative brick wall. When that happens, we are left searching for answers. It doesn’t matter what got you where you are, alcohol, drugs, sex, trauma, death, or not managing your emotions and feelings, whatever it may be, we all hit that wall at some point. It feels awful, scary, and depending on what put you there, a whole mix of guilt, shame, and sorrow. There are some people that also call it rock bottom. It really doesn’t matter what you call it because it is honestly a part of the human experience. If you have never hit your wall yet, feel lucky but don’t fret, it is coming.
What the hell do you do once you find yourself searching for answers to a question you might not even know? The answer to this is special to not only each case but to each human. The thing about this bottom is that it isn’t the absolute bottom, death is the true bottom so if you don’t make positive changes in your life to fix it, you can go lower. For me, my bottom was an excuse to drink. I thought I hit my bottom years ago and was “doing better” but it is all denial. If you keep doing the same things and creating the same patterns, over and over again, not only is that insanity but you aren’t changing the problem, only the way it looks.
I had a thought the other day between the tears of guilt and shame. What is my true self? Who was I before everyone told me who I had to be? It took me a while to really find some answers on that and today, I am going to really go through it.
When I was little, I loved poetry and art. I still love art but after years, decades of writing poetry, I stopped. I used to love sitting by a tree in the woods, looking out into the unknown and writing what was inside me. I have hundreds of poems in journals and that was really a huge part of me. Once in a while, I will start writing something but I never finish them, just like other things in my life. Paintings, cleaning, work, healing, etc. I found comfort in my thoughts which I haven’t felt in a very long time. My thoughts have been replaced with other peoples nasty words and opinions of me. I have always wondered why we wouldn’t allow someone to kidnap our loved one or ourselves but we let people kidnap our thoughts and mind, all of the time.
There wasn’t a long period of time where I knew what I wanted to be when I “grew up” because I was interested in many things. Fashion design, interior design, art, the medical field, and countless others. At one point I even wanted to be an assassin and take out all of the bad people in this world. I remember decorating my room in strange and pretty cool ways as well as taking fabrics and creating extravagant dresses and outfits. All I wanted to do was create and write and paint and draw and be someone who went outside the box and make beauty in the world.
One of my favorite things was to pack up my backpack with books, my journal, and my drawing pad, throw on my shoes, call the dog, and we would set off on an adventure into the woods. I was an only child so my dog was my sister. Exploring trees, swamps, bugs, birds, and all that nature had to offer. I loved seeing new parts of my little world in Northern Michigan and exploring and finding amazing things the earth has to offer. Through all of the last decade, something in my soul became scared of the unknown so I have been sticking close to home. This drives me insane. I want to travel and have amazing experiences but I have stopped myself so many times because I was scared of the unknown. I feeling of impending doom has lingered over my life for years and breaking away and out of that has been a very large struggle and I still struggle with it. There is also a part of me or let me say, a projection from the outside, that tells myself that I don’t deserve new experiences or fun.
Breaking through all of these projections can be the hardest thing you will ever do. I know that I have been through years of therapy and nothing will fix it. You have to fix it, a little every day. In order to change something in your life or mind, you have to change it. There is not a pill, person, God, or anything else that will change you unless you do the work. Yes, it is painstaking and it takes time but it took you time to reinforce other peoples opinion of you and make them YOUR thoughts so why wouldn’t you put just as much time in effort to make yourself happy as you have to make you sad?
The same goes for addictions. You don’t become addicted to something overnight and if you have ever truly looked at it, you will see the lengthly process it was. You put a ton of time into escaping your problems and using things to help you forget so in order to change that around, you have to put equal or more time into yourself and life. This is where I fell short last time around. I thought that if I attended AA meetings, did the steps, and stopped drinking, I would be okay and everything would change around. WRONG. Number one, I am a pagan and AA is a Christian based program. There is absolutely nothing wrong with AA but it definitely wasn’t for me and being from a small town in Northern Michigan, that was my only option so I tried to make it work. In the end, it didn’t last because all I did was talk about drinking in meetings every day with no real changes to my soul or mind besides abstaining from alcohol.
This is the problem in todays society and it has to change. There is too much judgement, detachment from your fellow human, and not enough true support for people searching for it. Either fit in or be shunned and pitied. As an empath, I have built this protection wall around my soul and hardened my existence. My true self is soft and kind, caring and protecting, loving and nurturing, giving and happy. This shell has created a mean, crass, depressed, lonely human, and it is no wonder I have been having a bad reaction. My true self is screaming to breathe and move. She has been shoved down into a small section of my soul, surrounded by darkness and demons. It is time to let that sweet little girl out of the dark dungeon she has been in for decades. She wants to see the blue sky, smell the lilacs, and lay in the green, soft grass. She has been a prisoner of war for too long.